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Season: Autumn
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Day: 28th
Year: 2016
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 Into the Moon Kingdom

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Sailor Lily
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Tecna Timmy
Posts : 7758
Age : 18
Location : On the moon! In the room next to Queen Serenity!
Hobbies : Watching and reading sailor moon

PostSubject: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sat Aug 08, 2015 10:51 pm

My first fan-fiction.  Cool   So don't expect anything legendary.

So here's a little something I've been working on. It's mostly humour/friendship based (so be warned, serious members of BIW). Just to show a view of our lunar OCs and the Celestix would be like after the Moon Kingdom was revived. And I apologize again if any OCs act OOC.


Chapter 1:
 

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zerowing21
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PostSubject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:16 pm

Lily, It's not bad at all. I would suggest using a thesaurus so you're using said all the time. Maybe add in a bit of character thoughts too and or actions. Also, don't forget details. Also, maybe have someone beta read for you.

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The Avatar was done by Chrissie.

"But perhaps victory is in the simpler things that you've long forgotten—things that require a smaller, more honest soul." Professor Ozpin, RWBY
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AngelicAura
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Musa Riven
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Hobbies : loving nico yazawa

PostSubject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:39 pm

Oh gosh, I loved this! Can't wait for your next update. Smile

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Varda Elentari
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Flora Helia
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Location : Serenity <3
Hobbies : Writing, Biologying, Fairying

PostSubject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:54 pm

This was brilliant for a first chapter Lily xD Far better than my own first fanfic Wink As Sten suggested, perhaps the occasional use of a more expressive word than 'said' might be beneficial but I loved it nonetheless ^.^ Keep up the brilliant work and I cannot wait to see what happens next!

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Thanks to Lexi for the amazing art of Nimueh and to John for the beautiful signature <3 <3
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Kyra_Xyrespace
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Stella Sky
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PostSubject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sun Aug 09, 2015 6:56 am

This story has a lot of potential! The chapter was a nice intro to the dynamic of the girls, and I can't wait to see their adventures together. I would suggest running future chapters through a grammar program to help brush up on it; there were minor mistakes, but nothing that would distract from the reading.

Overall, it looks interesting and I can't wait for the next chapter.

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