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Season: Autumn
Month: October
Day: 28th
Year: 2016
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 Into the Moon Kingdom

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Sailor Lily
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Tecna Timmy
Posts : 7758
Age : 18
Location : On the moon! In the room next to Queen Serenity!
Hobbies : Watching and reading sailor moon

PostSubject: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sat Aug 08, 2015 10:51 pm

My first fan-fiction.  Cool   So don't expect anything legendary.

So here's a little something I've been working on. It's mostly humour/friendship based (so be warned, serious members of BIW). Just to show a view of our lunar OCs and the Celestix would be like after the Moon Kingdom was revived. And I apologize again if any OCs act OOC.

Chapter 1:


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PostSubject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:16 pm

Lily, It's not bad at all. I would suggest using a thesaurus so you're using said all the time. Maybe add in a bit of character thoughts too and or actions. Also, don't forget details. Also, maybe have someone beta read for you.


The Avatar was done by Chrissie.

"But perhaps victory is in the simpler things that you've long forgotten—things that require a smaller, more honest soul." Professor Ozpin, RWBY
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Sirenix Fairy
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Musa Riven
Posts : 4341
Age : 20
Location : lovingnicoland
Hobbies : loving nico yazawa

PostSubject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:39 pm

Oh gosh, I loved this! Can't wait for your next update. Smile


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Varda Elentari
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Flora Helia
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Age : 22
Location : Serenity <3
Hobbies : Writing, Biologying, Fairying

PostSubject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sat Aug 08, 2015 11:54 pm

This was brilliant for a first chapter Lily xD Far better than my own first fanfic Wink As Sten suggested, perhaps the occasional use of a more expressive word than 'said' might be beneficial but I loved it nonetheless ^.^ Keep up the brilliant work and I cannot wait to see what happens next!


Thanks to Lexi for the amazing art of Nimueh and to John for the beautiful signature <3 <3
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Stella Sky
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Age : 25
Location : America
Hobbies : Writing, playing games, moderating on another forum

PostSubject: Re: Into the Moon Kingdom    Sun Aug 09, 2015 6:56 am

This story has a lot of potential! The chapter was a nice intro to the dynamic of the girls, and I can't wait to see their adventures together. I would suggest running future chapters through a grammar program to help brush up on it; there were minor mistakes, but nothing that would distract from the reading.

Overall, it looks interesting and I can't wait for the next chapter.


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